Ten Things We Don't Tell Our Doctors

[From 6/20/08, in response to a Reader’s Digest article about doctor’s “secrets.”]

This month’s Reader’s Digest contains a truly appalling article, “41 Secrets Your Doctor Would Never Share,” in which physicians across the country admit what most patients already suspect: They pretty much hate our guts. (My favorite revelations: That doctors prefer young, attractive patients to older, sick ones and they get massively irritated when you try to give them a complete rundown of your symptoms.)

So, in the spirit of this article, I present to you “Ten Things We Don’t Tell Our Doctors.”

1. My name is Tom. Not Tim. Not Ted. Not Jon. I know you wouldn’t recognize me if we ran into each other at Kroger’s, but for Pete’s sake, my name is right on the chart.

2. We haven’t been under the illusion that you care about us for some time. Thanks for confirming that in Reader’s Digest.

3. Many of us don’t visit you as often as we should because we just can’t face your barely concealed contempt for us.

4. Many of us have been mocked or chided by you—or your staff—for asking a single question. Just one question. That doesn’t exactly make us eager to see you the next time.

5. We’ve noticed how exasperated you become when we try to give you a thorough explanation of our symptoms. That’s why so many of us have turned to self-diagnosing on the Web. (Which also makes you mad.)

6. We will never again worship you as gods. Get over it.

7. We know that a lot of you have lost sight that medicine is a service profession. Many of you, in fact, seem to think we’re here to serve you.

8. A lot of us presume you’re in thrall with the drug companies. Hope you buy something pretty with that kickback you got from prescribing that new, unproven medicine to me.

9. We know you think we have no idea how hard it is to practice medicine. We know you think we should feel sorry for you. Maybe we would if you didn’t so openly view us as annoyances or, worse, as adversaries.

10. We love it when you’re humble enough (or brave enough) to give it to us straight—whether that means “I don’t know” or “Yes, as far as we can tell, you may have only another six months.” Come on, doc. Just act like a human being, and maybe we can bring back some of the love, or at least some of the trust, that we used to have in you.